Dust and mud pies

Sometimes when I sit in the mornings, especially after little sleep, I feel grumpy and irritable, my cup of tea doesn’t quite hit the spot. My little “gracespace” starts off being a “grumblespot” or a “facebookspace”, or a “newsoverloadfest”. Or like this morning, I.just.dont.feel.it! The temptation in that to get up and just get on with the day can usually win out, but to be honest, at this particular point in my “journey” I dont have time for that, its a crock of…. .so this morning I hung in there with very little grace to begin with for sure.

I find no beauty in what I read today.
The words do not “pop” and catch my heart
“you shall give him his wages…”
“Children obey your parents..”
These do not hold my attention, speak to me of life,
Talk to me of transformation or give me cause to celebrate our intimacy
Holy Spirit I hear no gentle groan within
I feel no trajectory of up up and away
I am sitting in the dirt with no water to make mud pies
Just dusty, dry, sad, and alone
Ahhh…
But then I feel the sly smile of irony crease upwards
That one sided grin that says “dont be so daft”
There is within, a holy, awe-filled place
That deep aquifer of living water that bubbles up through dry dusty ground
To fill the salt pans and bring back the muddy hollows
It just needs a bit of patience sometimes
A bit of waiting and a whole lot of knowing-that-you-know-nothing seeking
Letting deep call to deep, for
“on the first day you set your heart on understanding and on humbling yourself before your God
Your words were heard..”
On the FIRST day…
Ah Beloved, you have already answered
Its the waiting that softens that dry dusty ground with tears
Its the vulnerable, honest brokenness that allows the water within
to flow without
even when you dont know you are vulnerably, honestly broken
for
If you are not sick you have no need of a doctor
a comforter
a healer
you are enough for yourself.
But you know me, so here I am
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
Psa 139:2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.
Psa 139:3 You searched my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Psa 139:4 Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
Psa 139:5 You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
Psa 139:6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Psa 139:7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
Psa 139:8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
Psa 139:9 If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Psa 139:10 Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
Psa 139:11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,”
Psa 139:12 Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psa 139:13 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.
Psa 139:14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.
Psa 139:15 My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Psa 139:16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
Psa 139:17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Psa 139:18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

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The God Obstacle

Beloved,
God stands in your path, as you march around the mountain, picking flowers as you go, drinking coffee and eating cake.
All you see is an obstacle as you quickly glance ahead, so you carry on chatting, or reading, or flicking through your ipad and move to the left a little to navigate it.
You have done this a few times, and then carried on.
But this time the obstacle is going to move to the left, or the right with you.
As you carry on your conversation with your life you are surprised subconciously that the obstacle is still there, so you keep walking left to move around it as there has always been a way around before.
Suddenly the mountain is before you and you can go left no more, as you turn you subconciously think that surely you can go forward round the mountain again now, but no, the obstacle is still there.  You stand a little, not really engaging with this, conversing with your slowly devolving life, until you begin to feel a little uncomfortable, a little less sure.  Suddenly you are acutely aware of the deep waters below all the froth and the bubbles you have been doggy paddling in for so long.  Your ipad, your phone, your life becomes quiet, and suddenly you hear it… this deep rumbling call to look up.
So you do, …

Deep calling to Deep

Brennan Manning calls it the “furious longing of God”. And I think that is what I feel, this deep within us calling to the deep of God because he is furiously longing for that union with us that calls us higher up and farther in.
When I move out of myself and into him, a movement that is internal, I find him there. This deep calling to deep, this sense of utter rest and peace and calm and solid secure foundation bedrock of life.
When we visit and start talking there is such a sense of union, of being. When we dive down into the rich water of his life in us.
We leave the shallows, the bubbles and froth of the surf, and dive down deep into the still quiet pool of his voice.
There is a place of infinite wonder below the surface of our lives, below the surface of our Journey

 

The Slamming door

1Pe 5:6  Then be humbled under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in time;
1Pe 5:7  “casting all your anxiety onto Him,” because it matters to Him concerning you.
Why have I forgotten this again?
I still dont believe I matter… that deep down I am worthless
I have to stay wrapped up in your presence
For the longer I am away
The easier it is to become cold
TO be eased outside the door
Until again I am watching from the outside in
It matters to Him concerning you….
AH, oh crud, the lie has unfolded in my heart again
wrapping its tendrils around my bare soul
Opening the path to the pit and tugging me down
But the gentle quiet voice will not be silenced
He whispers inexorably into my broken heart
With tenderness that I am unable to withstand
The lie withers in the fierceness of His love
The unfolding retreats back to the pit from where it came
I am astonished at the small longing in my bare soul for the lie
For the independance it brings,
for the self satisfaction flag it raises over the lonely house
for the pride that sweeps the floors
and the selfishness that slams the isolation shutters
I see the battle in me now, the thorn in my side
The conflict and tension that exist between the old and the new
But He walks these rooms, these floors, flinging wide the doors
My bare dusty soul is swept clean again,
Filled with light and life and grace and Love as
The shutters are flung open and the sun streams in
He is my answer to the broken world I hid from
He is the answer to my broken heart I hid from
I am humbled under His might hand again
I am up from the dust again
He is the ground of my being, again
I lift my eyes to my true Centre,
Again.

Entangle again

Everything today is geared towards the false self.

To building it up so that we consume, consume, consume

Our true self, our soul, our deep down human being, is lost amid the trappings of the stuff, the bright lights of fairyland, of Tinker Bells and Peter Pans.

We are fractured, splintered, we have lost our true self to become some manufactured doing, performing for validation and adoration

We have re-gowned ourselves with corrupted flesh, in an attempt to cope with overwhelming life

We have forgotten the peace and rest resident in our true self in Christ

We have allowed pain to govern, to rule and snap the gentle, ancient path where the good way is.

Come, again bow your head and take hold of the now, the eternal now that is present in Him

Allow it to permeate your present, to reach up out of your soul, your true self and entangle again with the God of Mystery, the God of the eternal now,

Our eternal Life.

Peace

The only place I have truly felt at peace, at home, was sitting on the veranda of one of the rondavels at Skukuza rest camp in the Kruger national park  It was the very early morning, quiet of everything but the chorus of natural life surrounding me.  An intense feeling of utter rightness and rest came upon me.  Of being exactly where my soul wanted to be, and at total peace.  Of having no where to go or to hurry to but being totally present to the utter beauty of that moment, as if it could last forever.  If I die before Jesus comes back, I want my ashes scattered in Kruger, in one of the wildest places where there is no other sound but the bush and its creatures.

I wonder if it is possible in this world to carry that sense of peace, that utter presentness with you, in any and all situations?  Is it only possible for profound moments like that, or can you really walk through your daily mundane, hurryful existence at peace and rest, with a sense of being joined to all that is natural and beautiful and created by the God of infinite beauty and belovedness?

If we are abiding in the vine, and live in a conscious expression of that, would that not be possible?  Did Jesus live like that?

Actually no, I dont see the Garden or the beatings or the cross as  particularly peaceful or restful experiences.  He was absolutely in the moment, but I can’t imagine they were profoundly peaceful or restful times; “My God My God why have you forsaken me?”

Maybe the best we can be is present to the moment, alive to God and present to the moment.  So we never miss those profound moment of Joy, but also never skirt those overwhelming moments of pain or sadness either.  For only then perhaps are we fully human and yet also fully filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Eph 3)

Beloved

I am alone this morning so
I climb up onto your knee again.
Feeling so vulnerable and cold.
You take me as I am,
With a look of love that undoes me.
My shame and failure wash away
and I find home.
You do not judge my scaredness,
You don’t encroach your compassion,
You hold me without agenda
and let me rest.
No urgency marks your holding,
just a gentle, timeless belovedness,
that seeps deeper into my soul
the longer I stay.

In the jungle that is my day
when the chill starts attacking my bones
the warmth of my belovedness descends again
and cracks the ice the skate of fear is upon.
I know the future is uncertain
I see the past is unregrettable
I have NOW and this moment is mine again and I find myself in You