Fear is not the final word

A couple of things happened this week (yes it is only Tuesday!) which ticked all my “enneagram” #5 boxes. I found myself withdrawing into my safe place again, my protected, safe, introverted space where only carefully vetted people and circumstances penetrate.
It didnt feel like fear, it felt like this wider space that I know God has called me into was too exhausting, too time consuming and just too much effort when my physical circumstances are so hard right now. I had all the excuses stacked up in my head.. I’m exhasuted Lord, I’m in pain Lord, I’m working Lord, I, I, I, I… just feel safer here right now, thank you Lord but no thanks.
Then I read Terry Hershey’s “Sabbath moment” early this morning. He pulls no punches and captures totally where my heart is at, even if my head is elsewhere.
He says:

“Is it possible to live from wholehearted vulnerability?”
“Fear says, “I’ll make you safe.”
Love says, “You are safe.”
But here’s the deal: If you live from the heart, it may (or will) hurt. You may be misunderstood. You may be called crazy. People will shake their heads (or, like Hachi, pat you on the head) and remind you, “He’s not coming back.”
It doesn’t matter who we are, there are times when we are certain that we are not enough. What we say is not enough. The work we do is not enough.How long we wait is not enough.
Even so, I want to know in my heart–like Hachi, like Jacob–that fear is not the final word. ”

You need to read his whole Sabbath Moment to get the context http://www.terryhershey.com/fear-is-not-the-final-word/

In this very uncomfortable place, this zone of no comfort, this place where vulnerability is all you have and yet because it is such an anathema to others you receive judgment as having an agenda or … well actually I don’t know what the or’s are.
Wholehearted vulnerability receives a pat on the back, it has become a buzz word, a tag to add to your facebook or twitter feed, but don’t live it… whatever you do don’t live it.. because it’s a broken place, and like the homeless person on the street, people will pass you by averting their eyes.
BUT… I realise my heart loves this place, I quite like being that homeless person, there is freedom in not having to wear the trappings of my old protected self, encased in an identity that people feel safe with, are not uncomfortable dealing with.
So what to do, do I stay with what my heart knows, what my heart KNOWS or do I crawl back into the other space for a while just for a bit of respite? Although that is my head space, it really is a no brainer, I KNOW whom I have believed 2Ti 1:12 …. “Still I am not ashamed, for I know Him Whom I have believed and am convinced of, and I am utterly persuaded that He is able to guard and keep that which has been entrusted to me and which I have committed to Him until that day. ”
So, the climb goes on.

Advertisements

Deep calling to Deep

Brennan Manning calls it the “furious longing of God”. And I think that is what I feel, this deep within us calling to the deep of God because he is furiously longing for that union with us that calls us higher up and farther in.
When I move out of myself and into him, a movement that is internal, I find him there. This deep calling to deep, this sense of utter rest and peace and calm and solid secure foundation bedrock of life.
When we visit and start talking there is such a sense of union, of being. When we dive down into the rich water of his life in us.
We leave the shallows, the bubbles and froth of the surf, and dive down deep into the still quiet pool of his voice.
There is a place of infinite wonder below the surface of our lives, below the surface of our Journey

 

Entangle again

Everything today is geared towards the false self.

To building it up so that we consume, consume, consume

Our true self, our soul, our deep down human being, is lost amid the trappings of the stuff, the bright lights of fairyland, of Tinker Bells and Peter Pans.

We are fractured, splintered, we have lost our true self to become some manufactured doing, performing for validation and adoration

We have re-gowned ourselves with corrupted flesh, in an attempt to cope with overwhelming life

We have forgotten the peace and rest resident in our true self in Christ

We have allowed pain to govern, to rule and snap the gentle, ancient path where the good way is.

Come, again bow your head and take hold of the now, the eternal now that is present in Him

Allow it to permeate your present, to reach up out of your soul, your true self and entangle again with the God of Mystery, the God of the eternal now,

Our eternal Life.

Beloved

I am alone this morning so
I climb up onto your knee again.
Feeling so vulnerable and cold.
You take me as I am,
With a look of love that undoes me.
My shame and failure wash away
and I find home.
You do not judge my scaredness,
You don’t encroach your compassion,
You hold me without agenda
and let me rest.
No urgency marks your holding,
just a gentle, timeless belovedness,
that seeps deeper into my soul
the longer I stay.

In the jungle that is my day
when the chill starts attacking my bones
the warmth of my belovedness descends again
and cracks the ice the skate of fear is upon.
I know the future is uncertain
I see the past is unregrettable
I have NOW and this moment is mine again and I find myself in You

When we feel we are not quite enough

Sometimes we feel we are not quite enough.  We look at those around that seem to have it all together, that seem better, more spiritual, more fun, more happy, more… well just more!

It happens this incidental looking and comparing, but it is not true, it is not life, it is a lie and we know that so step back and remember the truth.

Paul talks to us about living up to what we have believed, know what we know and live there. That revelation that God has given you, walk in that. Dont eye up those around you and their revelations as if you can live there. You cant. You will die a death a 1000 times trying to live in someone elses knowledge or life.

Cosy up to listen to another’s truth. Hear it, weigh it, taste it, if it brings lights and sounds and fireworks… or just that deep AHA moment, grasp it,  and let it marinate, eat it. It can take a while for that revelation to grow in you and for you to be able to live there, but be patient, God is not finished yet.
That revelation will grow out of YOUR life and YOUR experiences, God knows you uniquely and as you allow the life in the words to move through your being you will find it becoming your revelation, your wisdom, your truth.
You dont need to be anything other than willing to go deeper. Allow our beloved God to take you to places that are out of your comfort zone, allow Him to speak to you with words that maybe dont quite fit your current theories. That maybe dont sound quite like synagogue, as Paul did. He heard Jesus say many things that were contrary to “church”. He really was a Hebrew of Hebrews, and God stopped him and said, hang on a minute there really is MORE and VERY VERY different!.
Yes Paul became blind and was struck down so I guess that helped his willingness! But we have so much more history to go on than Paul. He was writing history.
We know so much more because his truth is there for us to read, We can eat his learnings and wait until the life that he found explodes within us, within our world, within our lived lives.

Php 3:12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect, but I am pressing on, if I may lay hold of that for which I also was taken hold of by Christ Jesus.
Php 3:13 My brothers, I do not count myself to have taken possession, but one thing I do, forgetting the things behind and reaching forward to the things before,
Php 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
Php 3:15 Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, be of this mind. And if in anything you are otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this to you.
Php 3:16 Yet, as to what we have already attained, let us walk in the same standard, let us focus on the same thing.

Not that we have already made it, for of course we haven’t, but because there is so much MORE, we can press on and press in, drawing down deeper into the God of wonder who fills everything in every way. Laying hold of THAT, that one life that we are called to live, being present to it, living IN it, the unique, beautiful, precious space in time that is given to us to possess and make our own. Lay HOLD of that, for this is what He took hold of you for. TO be present in this LIFE with you, Christ in you, filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. CHRIST IN YOU. Let each day be NEW, learning and growing from yesterday but forgetting what is behind, what fell over yesterday, and living fully in today, digging deeper into the ground of His life in you today. Press on, press in, as God calls you higher up and farther in, growing up into the head, walking each day in that which we have already attained, living up to what we have believed and what God has marinated in us.
Dont be robbed of the beauty of your precious life by trying to live and walk another’s journey, each of our steps on the paths of our lives are ours and ours alone. No one else can live them for us, only He can live them in us as we daily become one with him.

Embrace the place where you are at, and press in, draw close so you can hear that still small voice that speaks of Home, for each of us has that unique place in the household of God, in the Bride that we are becoming. It is a place that no one else can fill, so be you and fill it.

Today – beloved

I don’t know really what to write today.  And writing is a strange art, you sift through your head finding thoughts that want to, need to be explored, and you gradually place each word carefully on the page to see if it fits.

Like a jigsaw of many pieces, there is only one piece for each space, and writing is much the same.  Although a number of words will appear that they fit the wordless space, as you move on to the next word and the next, you can see that the line is becoming clumsy, knocking letters out of order and weaving like a drunk.  So you have to go back and unpick, like a tangled piece of crochet or knitting.

I prefer to leave a wordless space to hang there then, while I build around it and suddenly all that is left is that perfect word for that convoluted space, and I breath a sigh of relief and drop her in.

The clocks have gained an hour.  In UK they choose midnight on the last weekend in March to spring forward, I find it annoying!  I feel I shouldn’t because it heralds spring, with its leaky blue skys and vibrant beginning greens with rampant florals erupting everywhere.

Sadly, its the little things that scratch at the inside of my head.   The fact that I look at my clock and it says 8 but I know I lost an hour and it is 9 and I haven’t even started the day yet.

The fact that when I get up for work tomorrow I will be driving in the dark once again.  Its only for a week or so but it scratches never the less.

But then I remember that I have an extra hour of daylight when I get home from work, an extra hour to appreciate the glorious leaky blue skies, vibrant beginning greens and rampant florals, An extra hour to be outside instead of in.

I was inspecting an honesty seed the other day.  These perfectly formed paper thin pods that so exquisitely protect the seeds within.  The intricacy of their making causes me to KNOW there is indeed a God of wonder who wraps his creature creation in spectacular abandoned art.  The same fierce care that is lavished on the creation of an honesty seed and its protection, is lavished on us, but even more so, for we are the messy, bright, engaging, angry, beautiful, perfecting images of his glory and he rejoices over us with singing while weeping over us with sadness as we break and break and break again.  Learning to walk as art in full abandonment to her creator, allowing him to swipe glorious brushstrokes of love and life and beauty in the midst of brokenness, this is Joy.

The Flag and the Promise

If I know anything at all in this journey, it is that in reality I know nothing. Because it is mystery, but I think I know this, that love is the key. The more I read the more I see this. That the opportunity to love and be loved as he did is the prize, it is the THAT for which Christ called us. Anything else is desert. Of the very little I know, I hope I am beginning to know this.

What do we do when we KNOW we see a city
One built without hands in the distance,
We can glimpse its towers and gates, its windows reflecting in the sun
Yet we are in the desert miles away
Part of us thinks it is a mirage, we rub our eyes and get on with surviving in the desert
But something tugs inside that we cant identify and we look up again and it’s still there,
The child inside is filled with wonder and excitement and yearns to drop everything to be THERE,
but The Adult. she ruthlessly quiets the childs voice, being pinned in the world of sand while furiously digging for water
A desert full of the millions of grains of shoulds and musts and have to do’s.
Of busy busy busy and speed and bustle and occupation.
Then one day we darent look up anymore.
BUT beloved,
There IS a city, whose builder and maker is God
A place of transparency and light and deep calling to deep
Where Love is the beginning and Love is the end
filling everything in between
Love flows like rivers from a throne of brightness and we know as we are known
This City has Love is its rooting and grounding, its habitat, its place of being.
Here we love without judgement without regard for our own self or agenda
Here we LOVE and are LOVED
And are filled to the measure of all the fullness of God
Here Grace saturates the air we breath
and we see each day as coming from the hand of Love, the hand of GOd
Here we see each other through the eyes of the one who inhabits us
The one who calls all of us BELOVED
BE LOVED
For he is the One who IS love
Here we find the rest that was promised and are safe
Here is a Kingdom filled with a body of people and He is the head.
He, the image of the invisible God
He, The firstborn of all creation,
He, whom all things were created in, through and for,
He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.
He is the beginning and the first born from the dead
All the fullness of God dwells in Him
Lover, Bridegroom, King.
There is a city, there is!
It is made without hands, and its architect and builder is God.
IT is not a mirage,its a promise, and the flag will take us through the gates